My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
