well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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