he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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