I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize
