I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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