It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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