I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
