if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
