I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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