i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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