My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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