Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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