This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize