I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
