Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
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