I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
