I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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