from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
