my phone needs a breathalizer
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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