some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
