I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
