There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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