you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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