I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
