maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
