so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
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