I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
