That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
