where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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