i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
