Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
