Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
