i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Randomize
