Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
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