Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize