Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Randomize