i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
