When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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