Screwed.edu
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
