Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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