You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
You pole danced in your parka.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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