An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
