I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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