guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
