Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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