I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
