the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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