I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
