i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
