I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
The beer is more important than you right now.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
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