you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
