I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize