i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
