He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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