Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
